Hostess With The Mostest
Part 3

"I think I'm gonna head back, I'm whacked"

"Let me just finish this" Den motioned to his raised glass

"You don't have to come back"

"If you think I'm letting you walk around at night on your own" he said with some vehemence

Finally I got it. I'm a girl now and that meant certain obligations on both sides, having an escort at night was just the first that made itself felt!

Back in my room, I gratefully stripped myself of my feminine attire, the slingbacks first followed swiftly by my skirt, top then I peeled the tights off leaving me in bra and panties. I eventually worked out the bra then lastly the tight pants, boy that was a relief! I had been blissfully unaware of my constricted equipment for most of the day but now as the blood re-circulated the numbness was replaced by a dull ache. Figuring the morning was going to be hectic, I grabbed a shower and collapsed naked into bed.

Sleep wasn't coming easily; I lay thinking about the day's events. Had I really travelled from Garda dressed as a girl? And then gone shopping in Innsbruck? I must be mad! Well I suppose its not been too bad so far, people seem to want to interact with Chrissy, no I'm Nena now. I chortled to myself wasn't that German singer called Nena? What was that song again, oh yeah Ninety-Nine Red Balloons. I dropped off humming '99 luftballoons floating in the summer sky, 99 luftballoons passing by'.

Brrng, Brrng...Brrng, Brrng!

Urgh, I opened my eyes and glanced at the clock, seven o'clock! Already the sun was poking its head over the surrounding mountaintops although the town remained in shadow; it was going to be another hot day today. It came to me as I lay there that I was going to have to get ready and dress as 'Nena' on my own, bum. I realised I was jut putting it off by lying there so I heaved myself out of bed and hit the bathroom for my morning ablutions. It was more than a bit strange shaving what even without makeup looked a quite feminine face with the blonde hair and thinly arching eyebrows.

Julia had suggested that I dress before attempting any makeup so, returning to the main room I selected the day's underwear. I carefully tucked my equipment into the flesh coloured control panties; I inspected myself in the mirror, no unladylike bulges, so far so good! Another padded bra, one of yesterday's purchases, provided me with a pleasant shape after adding copious quantities of tissue.

Now what? I surveyed my 'wardrobe', I tried to picture how the girls dress whilst on tour and compared my mental pictures with what I had to go with. I settled on a lemon cap sleeved t-shirt and a khaki skort, satisfied that I looked quite smart I realised that the last hurdle was makeup. Julia advised that less is more so that's what I went for. After three attempts I was satisfied that I didn't look like a clown and would pass muster. On impulse I slipped the strappy sandals onto my bare feet, the low heel just tilting my balance forward a bit. Looking in the mirror I saw a pleasant young woman looking back, it had taken me over an hour but I had done it! Damn, we're leaving in twenty minutes!

I grabbed my bag, checked the contents and headed to the restaurant for a quick breakfast. A coffee and a chocolate croissant later I joined Den out at the coach.

"I was just about to come looking for you"

"And good morning to you too!"

"Morning er Nena, you look good again this morning"

"That's why I'm so late, I've been up for nearly two hours!" I told him

"You ready for this?"

"As much as I ever will be," I admitted

"Let's go round then"

We got onto the coach and drove around to the front of the hotel where our trippers were patiently waiting.

"Guten morgen everyone" I greeted each and everyone as they all filed onboard for our excursion to the Ötztal. After a quick head count I signalled Den to set off and my first day as a female tour host has started! We turned onto the Telfs and I started my usual morning routine of a walk up the coach to check that everything was okay with everyone. As myself, that's Chris, this bit of PR has been known to stretch to oh, maybe ten minutes. This morning however everybody wanted to talk to me, not problems, but just conversation for the sake of it! 'How are you, that's a nice top Nena' - well you get the drift. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with it, I just wasn't expecting it. In fact we had left the mountain and were heading up the Inn valley before I got back to my seat.

"Everything okay?" Den asked

"Yes, no problems," with passengers just behind us I needed to watch what I said, "you want a drink?"

"The usual please"

"Which is?" I covered his slip

"Oh sorry Nena, coffee, white one sugar"

I started a drinks round and managed to get everyone served before we turned into the Ötztal. I wish I had put on the flat sandals though, even these low heels presented a challenge in navigating a swaying coach aisle! I was more than happy to sit down and enjoy the ride up the switchbacks and through the meadows to the valley's capital Solden. It's not much of place and the stop here was primarily to give the punters an option for a cable car ride. We pulled up at the Geislacherbahn next to a couple of other buses both from Germany.

I assumed the host position as Den opened the door to the already impressive heat.

"We have here one hour and a half," I was playing up the German accent and falling into a German language mindset even though I was speaking English. "There is the cable car here which takes you to Geislacher Kogel which is over drei tausand, sorry three thousand metres. Also there is the Gletscher bus which will take you up to the icefield. There are coffee shops in the willage if you prefer. We will leave at eleven thirty, have a nice visit." I clicked the microphone off and carefully stepped down from the air-conditioned splendour of the Setra into the dry heat of Solden.

My 'clients' trooped off the bus, some stopping for directions, but all giving me a smile. Finally it was just Den and me left at the coach.

"Well it seems to be going okay so far" Den mentioned

"I guess, I wish I'd brought my other sandals, it's a nightmare trying to walk up the coach in these"

"Well take them off then, most of the girls go barefoot on the bus"

"I never thought of that, so what are we doing?"

"If we're quick we can catch the glacier bus, we can get a drink up the top"

"Okay, let me get my bag"

A couple of minutes later we joined the small crowd waiting to board the bus up to the glaciers. There were just a couple of Global passengers; the rest were from the German buses. Once on board, Den and I found a couple of seats near the back and settled down for our busman's holiday.

"Haven't you got any sunglasses?" Den asked from behind his Bollé's

"Only my usuals, they're hardly something a girl would wear" I pulled them out to emphasise my point.

"Well they'll have to do for now, you'll need to wear something up the top, the sun really reflects off the snow and ice"

"I guess you're right, I'll have to get some more suitable shades later"

The bus cranked its way out of the village, negotiating the switchbacks with practised ease. It really was beautiful up here, the bright green of the meadows in stark counterpoint to the dark rock and bright snow still spotting the high peaks. Then there it was, the icefield and anyone not already be-glassed quickly was, the glare was impossible! The bus followed the markers across the ice and eventually pulled up at the little hut that served as terminus, café and souvenir shop.

"Zwanzig minuten, twenty minutes" the driver stated as his cargo spilled from the bus

"Coffee?" Den queried

"Yes please" I mentioned as I carefully made my way across the frozen surface to the cabin. These sandals were not a good idea today! I made it to a table and sat down. Wow this is something else, the clean alpine air, periwinkle sky, the smell of fresh coffee, I totally forgot how I was dressed and just sat back with the sun on my face. Even up here on the ice it must have been knocking on thirty degrees!

"Here you go" Den stated

"Cheers, this is beautiful huh?"


We sat and drank our coffees then I checked the time.

"I want a quick look in the shop, coming?"

"No, I'll just have a wander round" Den told me

I joined the few customers in the shop and inspected the various souvenirs on offer, your usual cards, books and trinkets. For some reason I was drawn to a display of neckerchiefs, popular with the German ladies, but not really with anyone else. On impulse I selected a pale green scarf decorated with edelweiss and closed with a Tirol 'heart' toggle. Before I got to the counter I'd also got a walking pole in my hand.


I didn't connect the name with me.

"Nena, the bus is ready to leave" it was Den

"Urgh, I won't be a minute, tell him I'll be straight out"

"Okay, I'll try to delay him"

When I finally got to bus the driver looked in no particular hurry, Den hopped down to 'help' me up the step. The driver just smiled and shook his head as I climbed on and I heard him say "Damen" in that universal male put down tone. The episode was pretty embarrassing and I realised that I often acted the same way as Chris.

The drive back down to Solden was a fair bit quicker but no less spectacular and we spilled out of the bus just five minutes before we were due to leave. Den opened the coach up and set the air con going so that by the time everyone was on board we were only five minutes late and the bus was returning to a comfortable twenty degrees.

"Everyone enjoy themselves?" I asked taking the mike up again

A chorus of approving noises and smiling faces answered me.

"We have a short drive now, just twenty five kilometres to Umhausen where we will have lunch and have a visit to Ötzi Dorf and for those of you who wish a walk to Stuibenfälle, the high waterfall of the Tirol."

Taking Den's advice I slipped off my sandals and did my bus walk barefoot, selling a few cold drinks on the way. We were negotiating the narrow road through Umhausen by the time I returned to the front of the bus.

"Okay?" Den asked

"It's certainly easier without these" I waved my footwear

"Better put them on, we'll be there in a mo"

I sat in my seat and slipped the strappy sandals back on my feet. Den parked in as much shade as he could find then it was back over to Nena!

"We will leave here at vier heure, sorry four o'clock, " I told my audience, "the visit to Ötzi Dorf is included in your holiday, the guided visit takes about forty five minutes and there is a café for food also. The Stuibenfälle is a twenty-minute walk further on or you can join in the fun at the Badeseum - natural bathing lake of Umhausen. It is a short walk to the village, so if you wait for everyone we can all walk together."

Fifteen minutes later our charges were in the capable hands of Irene, one of the museum staff. If you don't yet realise what this is all about I'd best explain. Some years ago some hikers found a body high up in the Ötztaler Alps who was christened Ötzi. He apparently died several thousand years ago and is now in a museum in Bozen / Bolzano, Ötzi Dorf is the locals attempt to attract a few visitors with a living Neolithic 'Ötzi' age reconstructed village with all the crops and animals of the time in a realistic setting. Not everyone's cup of tea but most of our punters seem to enjoy it.

Den and I, having been around previously, hit the café, ordered some food and settled in for lunch as our passengers went off with Irene. Happy that we weren't going to be overheard, Den started the conversation.

"So what do you think so far Chris?"

"About what?"

"How're the punters treat you dummy?"

"Well I never noticed before but much as I hate to admit it, they do seem to interact better with me looking like this"

"They're certainly noisier!"

The arrival of our food interrupted the conversation and for the next few minutes we ate in silence.

Den took me by surprise when he spoke again.

"You know Chris, if I didn't know, I'd never guess you were a bloke"

How do you answer that?

"Oh come on Den!"

"Serious. Even the way you eat, I suppose if you know about these things you'd notice but most people are not looking for a bloke when they see you like that. They see what they want to see."

"I suppose you're right."

"I know so, no one is going to see you looking like that and go 'that's not a girl that's a bloke in drag!'" he stated

I flushed, not sure how I felt about this. I mean it's not like I'm in love with this whole idea, don't get me wrong if dressing up as a girl is your bag, that's fine by me but it's not my thing. I've somehow managed to pass but will I get through the week, will Nena be outed as Chris? I slipped that thought quietly away, unvoiced, to the back of my mind.

"You fancy going up to the falls?"

"Why not" I agreed, "toilet first though."

The ladies! Well at least here at the museum there's not a queue! I did my business then used the mirror to settle my new scarf in place, I was rather pleased with the result. I joined Den outside and we left for the short hike up to the falls.

The Stuibenfälle looked picture postcard pretty.

The falls were fairly noisy and quite spectacular set in a background of dark pine and granite. I was more than a bit annoyed that I'd had to rely on Den to help me negotiate some of the steeper, rockier bits of trail in these stupid sandals! Lesson for the day - plan your footwear! At least my choice of skort and t-shirt has worked out okay.

We watched the water for a while then made our way back down to the car park. I got us some ice cream at the kiosk then joined Den sitting in the limited shade by the coach.

"You've caught the sun a bit, just look at your feet"

"What?" I looked at my feet; they looked okay, I decided to slip my shoes off anyhow. "Bum!"

"Told you"

I certainly have picked up some colour, the faint lines of the sandal straps can clearly be seen on my feet.

I made myself comfortable on the grass while Den went for a mosey round

"You look comfortable Nena" the voice snapped me back to consciousness.

"Oh hi Mr Stubbings" I replied sitting up, "you have a good visit?" my German accent was back!

"Lovely, the Mrs wasn't so keen but that girl, Irene, she really made it come alive like"

"You went to the falls also?"

"No lass, I'm not so good on my feet these days. We saw you and Den heading off?" he left the question hanging.

"Yes, we walked up, I not see before, they are very, how you say, nice"

"Ah here's the missus" Mrs Stubbings made her way over bearing ice cream for her husband.

"I was just saying to Nena, we don't walk much these days"

"I'm sure she doesn't want to hear about your legs" she mentioned

"I wasn't"

"He does go on sometimes me duck. He spent twenty minutes telling an Italian lady about his lumbago on Sunday"

"She was interested" he exclaimed

"Being polite more like"

"Nena, can you give me a hand" Den called over from beside the bus

"Excuse me" I asked the Stubbings

"That's alright luv"

She was still rattling on as I walked barefoot over to Den


"It looked like you needed rescuing"

"Is that the time?"

"Yeah another fifteen minutes before the off"


"No a can of orange please"

I hopped inside, stowed my bag and sandals and went to fetch the cans. Of course as soon as the now congregating passengers saw the drinks, they all wanted one. By the time we were ready to leave, curiously five minutes late again, I'm sure it was that same pair of women, I had sold twenty-five cans of Pop! After a quick headcount, Den started us on the drive back to Seefeld.

"You gonna do the announcements on here or later?" Den queried as we headed back towards the Inn valley.

"Might as well do it now"

I got my paperwork together and checked the microphone.

"Hello everyone" the hubbub lowered to a more attentive level, "we hope you enjoyed today"

A variety of affirmative comments came down the saloon.

"Gut, tomorrow for those who have booked, we go to Krimml and Mayrhofen, departure time will be nine o'clock, it is a long day we will be arriving back in Seefeld about seven but I'm sure you will enjoy the day. Dinner tonight will be as normal at 6.30 but tomorrow it will be at 7.30. Thank you" I closed the mike and sat back into the courier seat.

The drive back was along the motorway; it seemed no time before we turned off for Telfs and the climb up to Seefeld. Back at the See Hotel, I made nice as the customers exited our transport and soon it was just me, Den and the Setra.

"I'll see you in the bar before dinner" I told my colleague

"Okay, see you later"

I walked into reception to get my key.

"Hi Nena, good day?" Ingrid asked in German

"The weather was good and we didn't lose anyone, if that's good it was good!" I joked

"Where is it tomorrow?"


"You've been before?"

"Yes often," I adlibbed, "usually I go every week, maybe twice"

"Of course you are based at Kitzbühel no?"

"Most of the season yes" I just hoped that she wouldn't push for too much detail.

"Sorry you must want to go get changed, we should talk again later"

"I should like that" how the hell do I get out of this? I took the proffered key and headed to my room. Hmmm, I've stayed here quite a few times and that's the longest conversation I've ever had with Ingrid, thinking about it she always uses English with Chris too. I shook my head; it can't be because she thinks I'm a girl can it? Most likely it's because she thinks I'm German and she's more comfortable in her native tongue.

I collapsed on my bed only to be disturbed moments later by my mobile, Julie!

"Hi Julie"

"Hi Chris, I mean Nena, I'll never get used to that name!"

"Well you've not exactly got to have you? I mean it's me that has to answer to it all week"

"Sorry," she apologised, "so how did it go today?"

"You want the short version or the book?"

"Book of course!"

"You asked for it. Well I got up a bit after seven..."

I droned on with little interruption for twenty minutes.

"...and then I had a chat with Ingrid before coming up here"

"So you got sandal foot?" Julia giggled down the phone at me

"Well not much, you can only just see"

"Wait till the morning girl!" she chortled

"And I suppose you never got caught" I countered

"Don't be daft, 'course I have but you're a bloke with girls tan lines on your feet"

"Bugger, I hadn't thought of that"

"Well you normally wear trainers anyway so no one will see"

"Until I go swimming or to the gym"

"You worry too much, no one looks at other peoples feet that closely"

"Whatever" I sighed

"So how were the punters?"

"Well I have to admit they were a lot more like yours today, in fact Den was sort of complaining about the noise on the coach"

"That sounds like Den, any whinger's?"

"I hadn't realised 'till just now but no. I usually have someone complaining about some imaginary fault by now"

"Damn!" Julie exclaimed, "have to go, Rob's banging on the door, we've got the bloody folk night tonight"

"Good luck" none of us particularly enjoy the torture that is a 'Heimat' night. And not only that but it usually ends up with host getting 'involved', deep joy!

"Talk to you tomorrow, where are you off to?"

"Krimml and Mayrhofen, you?"

"Venice, lovely smelly Venice"

"Have fun"

"And you, later"


I put my phone down then realised that I was supposed to meet Den in half an hour, shit! Stripping down to my underwear I got myself a quick wash, a shower will have to wait, and then checked my clothing options for this evening. Even I know that no woman would wear the same outfit twice in a row so that cut my options somewhat! After some deliberation I settled on the outfit that provided the inspiration during my shopping trip, a baggy dark red jumper teamed with a calf length cotton skirt in cream with little red flowers all over and a mock slip peeking out the bottom. My slingbacks and some 'natural' tights completed my outfit. More makeup then a liberal dose of body spray and I was ready.

"Sorry!" I told Den putting my shoe on properly

He shook his head, "just like a woman, always late"

"I was talking to Julie"

"Gossiping, I know and you forgot the time am I wrong?"

"Er no" I admitted

"What are you drinking?"

"Just a coke for now please"

Den ordered my drink then turned back to me.

"You sure you've not done this before?"

"Course I'm sure"

"Well like I said earlier, I'd never guess. I mean you looked great today and you look pretty, what does my son say now? Oh yeah, you look pretty buff tonight"

I wish I could disable my blush button. I flushed crimson just as Ingrid walked up.

"What have you been saying Den, the poor girls embarrassed, one of your blue jokes eh?"

"I was just saying how nice she looks, honest" Den protested raising his hands in defence.

Ingrid looked me up and down.

"Well Nena, I have to say that outfit really suits you"

"Danke" I managed

Slipping into German, Ingrid went on, "you should come to Dino's Tanz Bar with me and the girls later, you can bring this lummox if you want. We'll have a great time, cheap drinks, plenty of totty," she winked at me, "dancing," she gave a little shimmy, "and definitely some snogging!" she finished.

"I don't know," I offered, "we have a long day tomorrow"

"Ach, you'll be fine"

I was clutching at straws now in an attempt to politely turn her down.

"I haven't brought anything suitable to wear"

"You look okay to me, to be honest most of us go in jeans, it's pretty casual. Meet us in reception at nine" she gave me a peck on the cheek, waved to 'the lummox' and disappeared into the kitchen.

"What was all that about?" Den asked

"She wants me to go out with her and the girls, you're invited too"

"I went out with Ingrid once a couple of seasons ago, never again!"

"Well I'm not going anyway" I told him

"I reckon you should, it'll be an experience you won't forget"

"No I won't forget it 'coz I'm not going" I insisted

Maddy Bell 27.01.04 © 2004

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